Between Control and Surrender: Integrating the Spiritual Ego with Awareness

The spiritual ego mixed with control (this idea that if I am aligned, I will receive abundance in large amounts) lives within me.

And there is a part of me that really doesn’t like this, that even rejects this facet, finds it unattractive.

In almost everything I do with myself, often very deep and transformative exercises, there is a subtle expectation of a result: more money, more clients, more self-esteem, more fulfillment.

There is always an expectation behind it.

And this brings me to the core: if I am already defining the outcome, I am limiting what can come.

Perhaps I have an idea of what a good outcome is, when the universe could offer infinitely more, or something completely different that I cannot even imagine.

And more importantly: for me, focusing on the outcome is not alignment: it is spiritual ego.

So I decided to try a different exercise: to look directly at my spiritual ego, without expectations, without wanting to reach a result.

Just to observe.

In this process, it becomes clear that bringing this into awareness and giving it a voice is essential for it to stop acting in hidden ways. At the same time, I recognize how important my creative expression is on this path.

But I also see that there is a tendency toward isolation, not as a healthy withdrawal, but as a closing off.

When I go deeper into this, two very present forces emerge: obligation and fear.

And everything starts to make sense.

There is a lot of fear in me.

And there is also a weight of obligation.

Control is born from fear.

And the spiritual ego is used as a way to try to avoid that fear and that sense of obligation, as if, by doing everything “right,” I could avoid discomfort.

Even my creative expression, which is something natural and pleasurable, sometimes enters that space of obligation. There is a lack of internal validation, a lack of recognizing the value of what I do and that makes me feel like I have to “force” myself to begin.

And fear leads me to close off.

Not because I am a closed person, but because, in certain moments, I enter that state.

And here an essential question arises: how can I integrate the spiritual ego without letting it dominate?

I don’t want to eliminate it, I feel that it is part of me.

But I want it to take its rightful place: as a tool of awareness, not of control.

In truth, the path to this is allowing myself to be cared for.

By doing that, I no longer need to close off.

Obligation stops being a burden and becomes a choice.

And an important distinction emerges:

I can be a “boss” (in the sense of control, exhaustion, burnout),

or I can be a leader, responsible for my life but open to receiving care.

When I feel like a leader, everything changes.

There is space for rest, regeneration, and nourishment.

And ultimately, everything comes down to this: who do I choose to be for myself in my own life?

It leaves me with more questions than answers, but I feel like I reached a very deep place, lightly, with energy, and with something essential reorganizing within me.