I Am Not Looking for Permission. I Am Learning to Embody It.

If there is one thing that has been taking time in my life, it is taking my art seriously. I understand that a lot of this comes from societal conditioning.

There is a deeply rooted idea that art is something childish, associated with children, with play, with something that gets lost once we grow up. Or there is the idea that there are a few “different”, special adults who manage to keep that alive, and that those are the real artists. And very often, validation only comes once they start making a lot of money from it.

So, for society, it becomes strange when someone takes their art seriously without that external recognition. How can someone be an artist if they are not making enough money from it?

And I think I have been dealing with all of that.

I was never that extremely artistic child. I never had a continuous relationship with artistic expression. It was only during the pandemic that I started painting, mostly from a desire to develop my creativity, as something that belonged to me, for me. It was a space for inner exploration.

And at the time, that was exactly what it was: a way of understanding creativity, of stimulating it, with the idea that it would later expand into other areas of my life.

But now, this thing that almost started as a child’s game has become something more serious.

And I see many of those societal beliefs inside myself too. Except the truth is that painting, for me, is increasingly not a hobby. It is the thing I identify with the most, the thing that fulfills me the most, the thing that gives me butterflies in my stomach.

And at the same time, it has been difficult to fully own that.

Because inside me there are exactly the same voices: “but this does not make enough money”, “but you do not have artistic training”, “but how can you even consider yourself an artist?”

And then there is another part of me that already knows: I already consider myself an artist. I already take this seriously. I have clients, commissions, people who not only buy what I paint for myself, but who want me to paint for them, with their energy. This already exists. It is already outside of me. It is already real. And I take it very seriously.

But there are still many places inside me where this is not yet fully assumed as something serious, real, and valuable.

Right now, I feel like I am still aligning value from the outside in. Meaning, there are people who buy, who value my work, and that helps mirror value back into me.

But the intention is for that to reverse: for the value to come from within first, independently of any external validation.

It is a circuit that is being activated, sometimes outside, sometimes inside, and everything is happening at the same time.

And maybe the most honest conclusion of all this is both simple and uncomfortable at the same time: I am already living as an artist, but I am still learning to believe that internally.

It is not about waiting for that belief to become complete before moving forward, but exactly the opposite, continuing to move forward until the belief stops being an idea and becomes a stable inner place.

Deep down, I am not looking for permission. I am learning to embody it.

In what area of your life are you still waiting for someone to “authorize” you to be who you already are?